An open letter to the roach population in Cairns

Roaches,

The man you sent is dead. I caught your emissary today scouting out an infiltration of the holiest of sacred sites (aka, my apartment). And I thought you would like to know how he met his unfortunate end.

I was impressed with his cunning plans to catch me at my most vulnerable. Hiding out in my swimsuit, so that he would only be revealed as I stood completely naked (and shoeless), was a brilliant move. He then surprised me by scurrying up my shoulder, and I'm sure he was pleased with the shriek I let out. After regaining my dignity (and putting on undies) I sought him out with my sneaker, but he was too clever and remained hidden.

However, when I returned from my swim, it was I who had the element of surprise. There was your man in my foyer. I calmly put down my goggles and water bottle, and picked up my sneaker. He knew it was the end. I could see the fear in his step as he scrambled to the living room. He stopped for a moment to look back and that's when I struck. With one fatal blow, even his antenna stopped twitching.

Let this be a warning to you. I bought new shoes in Thailand, and I know how to use them. Any further troops you send will meet the same end. And though I may yelp and recoil when I meet them, and I may jump at any rustle of papers or itch, I will prevail.